Smash Cut Life

How I motivate myself every morning.

This article changed my life.  Paradigm shifting.  The thought of mortality isn’t a death sentence, it’s a reminder to live. 

Lights

Busan, South Korea 

I took the CA bar exam this past July, and the results are due next week Friday.  Every time I think about it, I get a minor panic attack.  My hands and pits get drenched with sweat, my heart starts beating real fast and my head feels like it’s gonna explode. 

I normally don’t stress like this over tests, but then again, this ain’t no ordinary test.  I imagine seeing the pass list and my name not being there.  What freaks me out is not just the thought that I won’t pass, but the sense that these feelings might be a premonition.  Am I being prepared for failure? 

That was a one-minute glimpse into aforementioned panic attack.  The good thing is, although frequent, these thoughts pass fairly quickly.  This is when training yourself to have an attention span of a dog - and just forgetting about shiz - works in your favor. 

Look, a squirrel!

History.

I saw a video of a toddler in China getting run over by a van and being left for dead, not only by the driver, but by numerous passersby.  A surveillance video caught the whole incident, including the constant flow of pedestrians and motorists walking around this little girl as she lay bleeding, dying. 

Recently, I was on a bus going home when there was an older lady that suddently jumped up from her seat.  “Is this so-and-so station?” she asked, looking around, confused, probably not from around the area.  She made quick, imploring eye contact with a few people, including me, but we all made excuses not to say anything.  I had my earphones on.  Of course, I heard her.  But I made no effort to answer (no, it was one stop down).  I figured someone else would answer or she would ask the bus driver, and in any case, she hadn’t missed her stop. 

I wondered why I couldn’t have just said something.  Here was an elderly woman in a vulnerable position, who would have been eased by a simple word.  I was lazy.  Even more unsettling, I was curious as to what she would do next, watching her confused eyes look frantically about like it was some kind of cruel theater. 

It’s easy to fall victim to our own repulsive impulses.  There’s a masochistic craving to watch others suffer while we’re in a position of safety, which gives us power in that moment.  How often do we purposefully say hurtful things or refrain from offering help, coldly observing the pain we create? 

It’s a constant battle against our uglier selves, trying to suppress nature to exercise grace.  In the big ways, it can save lives; in the small ways, it can reassure a person that she’s alright.  Both are victories against the potential we have for ruin.